CeCe's Journal

Back from shopping
Well it's a quarter to 7 just about, and almost time for me to watch Dawson's Creek. So did anything exciting happen to me today, no not really. I got to go out with my bestfriend Stacy. That was great, exept sometime i feel like i'm this huge burdon on her whenever we go out, like she would rather be somewhere else. I dunno, i guess thats just me and my low self esteem. I have a lot of that. I just try my very best to hide it from the world. I dont like making people sad, I like making people happy. I would think that would be a good thing, to make others happy, not my phyciatrist though, she thinks i should think about myself first. I just think thats selfish. But she says its the first thing to getting better having great self esteem. I told her "i'll have great self esteem whenever I'm not me"
I went shopping with my Stacy and Josh today. It was somthing to do, I actualy was bored and didnt feel like being there. I felt like i dunno, prob sleeping. I guess b/c it was raining really hard. Josh is a great friend, he really is, but sometimes i wish i had met him at diffrent circumstances, like when i didnt know this guy. (*sighs*) I really do miss him (this guy) but not in the way i did back in 99 when i was in Ecuador and he was here waiting for me to get back. I miss him like as in I miss having him around to be silly and be happy. and miss kicking his ass in Bashido Blade 2. I will never be able to play that game again. He was the only guy I could ever be my total self around and the only male that never upset me or let me down. He wasnt only my bestfriend he was my big brother, he protected me from everything i felt totaly invensable when we were together. Then poof all of a sudden, you loose the one person that made anysence to you all in the world, or atleast helped you make sence of the world. And i guess that's the main reason I feel bad when i am around josh, b/c it sucks not to have him around anymore to make you laugh, or say he'll beat up someone, or make thouse silly voices and have your lil inside jokes and be stupid infront of everyone and it doenst mater at all what anyone thinks. b/c you had someone to laugh with you and not at you.
Everything was soo perfect my senior year. I never had anything to worry about. I had my bestfriend and my other friends, and i was never home. B/c everyone wanted me to go out with them, or everyone called me at home. Now it feels like no one wants to even know who i am. i just sit at home waiting for someone to call and ask for me. I really do miss those days. Now i have to be mature. Have my own life. Be responsible, and not have time to go out, or miss silly days, like your highschool days. I really do love Robert, but if having a seriouse relationship ment givign up the greatest life you ever had, i wish i would of met him a lil bit later in life. Now it just feels like ive wasted my teenage year having the greatest relationship in the world, I spent more time trying to perfect that, and growing up than i did having fun with my old friends.
Oh well back to Dawsons Creek.

Current Mood: hopeful